Shock

It has been my experience that when the final event happens that leads to the disintegration of your sanity and sense of self, there is a period of shock. During that time your life may still resemble what it was on the outside, but inside domino after domino is tumbling over. In fact, they gather speed as the protective bubble of shock starts to slip away, rushing toward the destruction of the whole. I distinctly remember a moment when I put my hands on my (then) husband's arms and said, "We're not going to let this tear our family apart." It did though, not because of the trauma itself, but because the trauma shoved the weaknesses in our marriage to the forefront, and there was not enough strength left to hold the other pieces together.
It still takes my breath away, almost a decade later, how quickly the damage became irreversible. The energy required to rebuild a shattered self was, in my case, more than our marriage had to give. More than just a single self, our whole family had to be rebuilt with new roles and expectations to live up to for each of us. It wasn't possible to do it together in that time and place. Statistics would seem to indicate this is often the case. Particularly when family counseling isn't agreeable to all parties, and one person cannot do all the work required alone.
Shock protects us initially. I am thankful for that.

Holiday Ambivalence

Those of us who have experienced trauma, which is almost every member of the human race, have experienced it on holidays. In families with histories of emotional, physical or other forms of abuse holidays can produce an excruciating ambivalence. Growing up in my family, I hated holidays because emotions ran high and a single misstep, or illness, or innocently spoken word could produce a Vesuvius of hot, sticky words that burned permanent scars in my psyche. One of the most devastating aspects of abuse is it's unpredictability. Something that is perfectly fine one day is worthy of scathing sarcasm, humiliation or shame the next. As adults we can be proud of ourselves for breaking this cycle, but the feelings may still be there prickling like static electricity on our skin. Nameless anxiety or grief can wash over us like a tidal wave, leaving us disoriented and dizzy with dread.
We can try to create the kind of holiday we wish we could have had, or try to block out whatever trauma we have associated with a holiday. Recreation is fraught with opportunities for disaster though, because if we can't pull it off with perfection we may create more fodder for our already damaged sense of self. Typically blocking has its own long-term consequences for our mental and physical health. Finding support, even a crisis hotline, can help immensely. Self-care is critical, nurturing ourselves in healthy ways or allowing our loved ones in if we have enough trust that they will be there for us. My wish for all of us is that we feel safe and happy, that we can find something, whether it's an affirmation or a song, that gives us strength to get through the next few days. To all, know that I am engaged in Tonglen for all of us. Tonglen is a Buddhist practice of taking in pain, breathing it in, and sending out/breathing out space, healing, relief. It can be a powerful tool, and most importantly for us, it begins with ourselves. Tonglen begins with taking in and sending out for ourselves before moving on to someone we love dearly and then moving on to the whole world. Merry Christmas. May this day, and all our days ahead, be days of healing rather than destruction, affirmation rather than desecration. We our united in the possibility to heal. May it be so.

Holidays

The holidays can be a set-up for trauma, and flashbacks to past trauma. We are encouraged to focus on consumerism, and the build-up to these "special" days heightens all of the tensions that are familiar to us. In this time of stress, joy and, at times, pain, take time to focus on yourself. This is advice to me as well as any reading this. Self-care, which includes asking others to help when needed, helps to heal trauma when you can give it to yourself with an open, loving heart.
Working toward loving yourself with an open heart is part of what this blog is all about. Providing tools for the journey to self love. Until the next post, may you be happy, healthy and free from suffering. May peace surround you like a shield, allowing nothing to pierce it's protection.

Anxiety

Yesterday I heard a moving story on NPR about an Iraqi war veteran and her struggle with adapting to life at home. She doesn't like being around people much, preferring the company of animals. She says, "Animals don't ask anything of you." I can understand that, people are very complex and when you have dealt with some of the worst aspects of human behavior, animals can provide respite. I would argue this lends more credence to Peter Levine's theory that animals don't suffer from trauma as humans do. Caesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer on National Geographic channel, argues similarly that animals (more specifically dogs) live in the present moment, they don't reflect on the past. Some would argue this point, but whether it is true or not that state of being is the goal of mindfulness. In mindfulness your goal is to live completely in the present moment. Setting aside the debate over whether or not animals, trees, the earth, has memory - mindfulness keeps us here, anchored right where we are. There is a beauty in this, you see it, hear it, feel it in the writing of great teachers like Thich Nhat Hahn.
Walk and touch peace every moment.
Walk and touch happiness every moment.
Each step brings a fresh breeze.
Each step makes a flower bloom.
Kiss the Earth with your feet.
Bring the Earth your love and happiness.
The Earth will be safe

when we feel safe in ourselves.
Thich Nhat Hanh

That is the goal of working with victims of trauma. To get us to the place where we feel safe within ourselves, where the event or events that caused the trauma do not inhabit every cell of our being. What that asks of us is a terrifying leap of faith. Not a religious faith, but a faith that we are safe within ourselves, even further, in our Selves. There are a precious few who are able to make that leap, to let everything go and feel safe within themselves. This is my wish for all beings, especially those of us who have suffered unresolved trauma and instead feel rape in every cell, or injury, or illness, or worthlessness from years of emotional abuse. I want to leap, holding your hand, and find us landing in a warm, shallow pool that cradles us, laughing, as dragonflies hum softly by....
May all of us find peace, may all of us find peace, may all of us find peace.

Disintegrating

Trauma is a universal human experience. Some of us become acquainted with it early in life, though it may not be recognized. It's not something experienced once, but more typically multiple times at different ages. Recently, Colleen Perry wrote about trauma, specifically post traumatic stress disorder, in the Huffington Post. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/colleen-perry/the-way-i-see-it--lets-ma_b_148957.html) She wrote about a deeply personal experience in her own life, that has implications for our society. This brought back memories of a trauma that led to the disintegration of my marriage, my physical health, my mental health, my world. A slight clarification, I was literally back in the event itself, as if transported back to that instant when nothing made sense anymore, time stopped, and I was encapsulated by insanity.

I wrote a response and then checked back frequently to read how other people responded. Someone with the screen name, "Otay Panky" recommended doing a Google search on Peter Levine and PTSD. I want to express my gratitude for that, because it led me to information that has the potential to save lives. It also led me to start this blog, wherever it may lead. People who have experienced trauma need a witness, a non-judgemental listener who can walk through the event(s) with them. But, and this is crucial, they/we need to discharge the energy our bodies biologically summoned to face the trauma. This is the central principle of Peter Levine's work.

On the welcome page of his website The Foundation for Human Enrichment, Levine writes:

Trauma is about broken connections. Connection is broken with the body/self, family, friends, community, nature, and spirit, perpetuating the downward spiral of traumatic dislocation. Healing trauma is about restoring these connections.

I highly recommend checking out his website. I'm lucky to have experienced some healing due in large part to a relationship where it has been safe for me to mend some of the broken connections Levine describes. I plan to do more research in this area, but in the meantime, invite you who have experienced trauma and long for healing to use this blog if it can be of help to you. My qualifications for witnessing are degrees in psychology, and nursing, training in yoga therapy and mindfulness, and completely disintegrating to a point where I no longer recognized myself. Nothing can replace counseling from a professional therapist, I've had many hours over many years, but if sharing your experience feels like it will help, that's what the purpose of this blog is. In connecting, may the journey of healing begin.

Finding threads

When your life has been ripped apart, it can sometimes take years to find the threads that used to make it whole. You don't always find them where you expect to, and it's possible to create new threads that can integrate with the fabric of your self in ways that add richness and depth of their own.
Trauma varies in the impact it has. While in my case the trauma was a final blow to an already fragile structure, it can and often is the case that a trauma will only effect part of your life. It is, as I've previously said, a very personal and unique experience for each individual. However, reintegrating your self is vital to the process of healing. It may seem easier to cut the threads that are ragged remnants from a part of yourself that you knew before the trauma occurred, I've done it. Ending friendships, isolating yourself from people who have hurt you whether from ignorance, or inadequate attempts at consolation, sometimes from their own avoidance of you because they are afraid. Trauma can cause immense fear and anxiety for others. As illogical as it sounds, people can be afraid it is "contagious" that if they allow it to touch them they too will be wounded. Alternatively, fear can be a product of not knowing what to say, feeling like they cannot be themselves anymore, that you have changed and are not the person they knew and were comfortable with.
It can be, and often is, asking too much for you to make peace with these people and situations in the aftermath of a trauma. Contrary to what seems common wisdom, there is no time limit for processing trauma. It may be inconvenient and frustrating for those who want you to get on with your life, but the reality is that you as a unique individual will have a unique and individual response to trauma or traumatic events that occur in your life. Friends, family, co-workers, even those with the best intentions, want you to be "back to normal," both for you and for themselves.
Finding strength again, through therapy, support groups, journaling, whatever tools you can find, is key to being able to preserve these threads that have made up a part of the fabric of your self. Give yourself the gift of compassion, and find support where you can, even if it is a crisis hotline with an anonymous person on the other end of the phone line. It took years to weave the tapestry, beautiful and luminous, that is your self. It can, it will, be whole again with time and help. My hope is that you may find some of that help here. Blessings and peace to you.